


We Can Only Hope

by sonictrowel



Series: Long Night in the Blue House [62]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 16:23:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11383932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonictrowel/pseuds/sonictrowel
Summary: The Doctor’s shaking hand fumbled for his inside pocket, fingers closing around the worn, cracked leather cover of River’s diary.  A precious gift from Nardole, from the place he dared not set foot again, not yet.He couldn’t even read it.  That was the fucking irony of it all, wasn’t it?  When he was so desperate for a word of comfort, the only ones that could always soothe him were here in his hands, but so far beyond his reach.





	We Can Only Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place between Oxygen and Extremis.
> 
> Gets much happier than it starts out. :)
> 
> Make sure you're caught up on the story and the show to avoid spoilers! :) Thanks so much for reading! <3

[Earth, 2017]

The memories were so much worse in the dark.

Bill, his sweet, brilliant girl, gasping in the vacuum, filling her lungs with oxygenless air, frost creeping over her cheek, panic gripping his hearts— this was _his fault!_

 _His fault for rampaging through the Citadel, showing them all how dangerous he was when he had someone to protect, putting the idea in their heads that they had to be sure it wasn’t someone under his care, or worse yet, someone born from him and his human hybrid wife—_  

Athena in Milly’s arms, tears streaming down her little round cheeks but holding her expression firm, four years old and so fucking brave and she shouldn’t be, she shouldn’t _have_ to be—   

River with tears in her eyes and a Vortex manipulator strapped to her wrist, the first rays of the sun breaking over the horizon at last and glowing around her beautiful, devastated face— 

The grief and regret and longing choked him.  He couldn’t keep it out; couldn’t just keep busy and keep shoving it all down.

The Doctor’s shaking hand fumbled for his inside pocket, fingers closing around the worn, cracked leather cover of River’s diary.  A precious gift from Nardole, from the place he dared not set foot again, not yet.

He couldn’t even read it.  That was the fucking irony of it all, wasn’t it?  When he was so desperate for a word of comfort, the only ones that could always soothe him were here in his hands, but so far beyond his reach. 

He hadn’t seen River in over a month.  They’d met a few times after what had been the first for her, discussed how she would find him at Trenzalore.  He told her to act like they hadn’t met yet.  It wouldn’t be too hard for her to do.  Cowardly Bow Tie never had gone to see her, too terrified to even acknowledge her out of the corner of his eye because that would have meant he’d failed; that she was still in the Library.  Oh, if only he’d known how very much more complicated it would turn out to be.   

But he’d never been able to let that go, never been able to stop dreaming of her there, and then they found each other.

He supposed it was bound to happen eventually.  He’d run out of meetings with her.  That was _good_.  That was the opposite of what it had been before her death.  That meant, somewhere in time, she was out, on the other side.  Which, of course, he’d known would be the case for a while now— but what he didn’t know was how long it would be until their timelines got into sync.  How long it would be until he saw her again. 

 _Saw._  The Doctor swallowed, loosening his collar, feeling winded by the sudden thought of never again being able to see his wife’s face, or any face she might yet wear.  

“Missy,” he called, sliding down the vault door to keep from simply crumpling to the floor.

She wasn’t answering.  Maybe she was cross with him.  Lately she’d seemed to be taking his unwillingness to confide in her personally, since she’d bloody well seen straight through him about everything: River, the girls, the fact he was waiting for something too, and not just for her to become good. 

But she wasn’t good.  Not yet, at any rate.  Maybe there was something there, but… it wasn’t enough.  It would be foolish to put his trust in her.

Well, here he was.  He always had been a desperate, lonely old fool.

“You were right, Missy,” he muttered, choking back tears.  “They’re still out there.  River and… our family.  I don’t know what to do.  How can I save them when I’m lost in the dark?” 

There was no response; perhaps she didn’t hear.  He hoped she hadn’t, and his moment of weakness wouldn’t need to become a new regret.

 _Get it together, Doctor_.  It didn’t matter if he couldn’t _see_ River.  So long as she was with him again someday, it would be alright.  So long as he could touch her, feel the warm, solid weight of her in his arms, breathe in her scent, hear her whispering in his ear as her curls tickled his cheek, it would be alright.

But first he had promises to keep.  To keep Bill safe and find a way to save River and protect his girls and bring them all home.  

He’d check on Missy again later.   

The Doctor wearily got to his feet and felt his way along the wall to the stairs.  

As he shuffled into his office, feeling utterly exhausted, he thought maybe he would just have a little kip.  After all, he couldn’t be completely sure, there might always be one more left.  One more precious meeting still awaiting him.  More miraculous things had happened.  Twenty-four years’ worth, to be precise.

He stopped short as his sonic glasses registered someone in the room.  Female— age, height, weight; honestly, he needed to upgrade the software, these were really rubbish statistics to be going on with.

“Bill?” he asked, trying to phrase it more as a greeting than a question.  “Are you sitting in my chair?”

Hang on, wait, back up—

_Age: 67_

Who did he know who was sixty-seven?  He didn’t exactly chat much with the other faculty.

“I’m a bit insulted,” came a painfully familiar voice from the direction of his desk.  “I get that you want to stare at Mum all the time, but don’t I merit a picture as well?”

“Mils?” he croaked, his hearts suddenly hammering in his chest.

“Oh, Dad, you really can’t see, can you?” she asked softly. 

“Never mind that,” he grumbled, hurrying around the side of the desk as best he could without crashing into anything.  He didn’t have a good sense of exactly where people were from the sonics, and she collided with his chest a bit sooner than anticipated.  He closed his outstretched arms around his daughter’s shoulders and tried not to actually cry into her hair.  That would really be a poor greeting. 

“Where are you coming from?” he asked hesitantly, fearing the worst, fearing that they’d been in Manhattan all this time and now that he’d spoken to her, it would be too late to change—

“Darillium.  You’re quite cross with me at the moment,” Milly said, her voice full of amusement.

“Oh, am I?” he replied distractedly, shoulders sagging with relief.  “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.  The eyebrows?  Really not as scary as you think.”

He nearly jumped at the startling laugh that came unbidden from his throat.  He hadn’t done laughing for a little while.

“Actually, I’m on my way back to Darillium, sort of,” Milly said, giving him a squeeze before stepping back and walking slowly around his desk.  He thought he heard the sound of the cup of screwdrivers jostling.  “I just got the Hazandra back from you— future you, I mean— and you suggested now might be a good time to stop in for a visit.”

“Oh, well.  That was nice of me.”

“Don’t worry, though, I can stay for a while.”

“Is that safe?  Only, if you’re coming from back then, it’s before you’ve— er, well, spoilers.  Thing is, I haven’t sorted it yet, Mils.  They could be looking for you here.”

“This really is weird, us _both_ doing spoilers at once.”

“Well, weird and me, we have a thing.”

“Just, don’t worry about it right now, yeah?  I’ve done a… well, a thing.”

“I really am a terrible influence on you.”

“Oh, watch it, Mum won’t like you stealing her title.”

He felt a fond smile stretching his cheeks.  “Honestly, who let us have kids?” 

“No one, luckily for me.  If anyone had let you you probably wouldn’t have done it.”

He snorted as he dropped into his chair, feeling amazingly lighter.  “Well, then, what’ll it be, kid?  I could show you round the campus, but considering… you know… you might have to show me a bit.  Oh, there’s this little pie shop in Clifton Village.  Always wanted to take you there, actually.”

“Aww, _D_ _ad_ ,” she said, with a touched inflection that meant he’d gone far too gooey. 

Whatever.

“I suppose I should find Nardole, he’ll be pleased to see you too.”

“Hmm, maybe leave the finding to me, for the moment?”

“Well, fair enough.” 

Milly’s data tag crossed the room to the TARDIS and stopped there. 

“Gran says… he’s in the bowling alley.” 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow.  “Is _that_ really what he gets up to in his spare time?” 

Milly let out a short laugh.  “One of the more legal options.  Unless he’s got money on it.” 

“Hey, Doctor!” Bill’s cheerful voice suddenly called, just outside the doorway.  “I was just goin’ for chips— I _know,_ but you’re not sick of ’em either, so— Oh!”  She paused inside the room, surprise in her voice.  “Hello.  Aren’t you…”

“Bill!” Milly exclaimed, and her tag quickly moved over to Bill’s.

“Oh, well, _hi,”_ Bill said, and managed to get surprised, pleased and confused into one syllable.  He should tell her it wasn’t only her face doing expressions.

“Bill, this is my daughter Milly; Milly, it seems that you already know Bill.”  The Doctor smiled contentedly from his chair.  His world was so much brighter than it had been half an hour ago. 

“Oh, right, shit, sorry,” Milly said.  “Spoilers.” 

“Spoilers?”  Bill asked with a little laugh.  “What, like, you watched ahead on Netflix?”

The Doctor snorted.

“Bill,” Milly said gravely, “I want you to savour this moment in your life right now.  Because once ‘spoilers’ comes into the picture you will never know what the hell is going on ever again.” 

“Right, well, doesn’t sound all that different to my life lately anyway, so...” 

Milly chuckled.  “Yeah, he’ll do that to you.” 

The Doctor attempted to glare in Milly’s direction; definitely less effective behind the sunglasses and without knowing where he was looking. 

“So, hang on, how do you know me?”  Bill asked.  “I’ve seen your picture, but I’m pretty sure… yeah, I would _definitely_ remember if we’d met.”

“At ease, Bill,” the Doctor warned, stifling an amused smile.

“Wait,” she said, voice bursting with rapidly-growing excitement, “You’re his kid, so, you _time travel,_ yeah?  Are you from the future?  Do you know _me_ in the future?” 

“Ah, well.  You’ve got me there.” 

“Oh, that is _brilliant!”_ Bill gushed.  “I’ve been to _the_ future, but not mine!”

“Yes, and there’s a very good reason for that, Bill,” the Doctor interjected.  “Remember, interacting with your own timestream is—”

“—basically a Wednesday for him,” Milly cut in.  “But actually, in general, a terrible idea.  That’s where _‘spoilers’_ comes in,” she said, voice dripping with disdain.  “Bloody annoying but it’s actually pretty necessary.”

“Awh, come on, you’ve gotta be able to tell me _something._ ”

“I don’t know… when is it for you now?  Are you still…” Milly trailed off. 

There was an expectant pause. 

“Am I still what?”

“Ah, yeah, never mind.  Best not.”

“Oh, you can’t leave it like that!” 

“Yes, she can,” the Doctor said, rising from his chair.  Just the fact that Bill and Milly were acquainted had filled his chest with the buoyancy of new hope.  Bill was only human, after all.  Not that that was something he enjoyed thinking of, but… it couldn’t be _too_ long now. 

“C’mon Bill, you can have chips any day.  We’re going for pie.”

“I’ll grab Nardole,” Milly said.

The Doctor cleared his throat.  “And while you’re in there, maybe put the thing in the place?” 

“Oh, right,” Milly said, “Good thinking.”  Her tag disappeared into the TARDIS. 

“Mysterious nonsense runs in the family, then?” Bill quipped. 

“Oh, you’ve no idea.”

“This is nice, though.  Your daughter coming to visit you.”

The Doctor smiled.  “She surprised me.  She likes doing that.” 

“Is she... gonna be staying for a while?” Bill asked with very poorly-disguised interest.

He aimed his eyes in the general direction of the TARDIS, letting out a contented little sigh.  “I hope so.” 

___

While the Doctor was constantly aware that there were two very important people missing from their little group, it was still the best time he’d had in ages.  River would be pleased.  Even if he couldn’t tell her anymore, he knew she’d be pleased.  That was his only guidepost in life, mostly.  She never steered him wrong.

Milly and Bill got on like a house on fire.  He was tempted to say something to his daughter, even though he hated to be one of _those_ dads, but the memories of human-induced heartbreak were too many and too fresh.

Milly no doubt noticed his face doing things as he considered, because she pulled him aside when they were walking home.

“Chill out, Dad,” she whispered, “her girlfriend would kill me.  And I mean— could probably _actually_ kill me.”

The Doctor furrowed his brows in thought as Milly walked ahead again to join Bill and Nardole.

“So, you’re saying there’s _eleven_ more of him?” Bill asked incredulously.  “But they’re… still all him?”

“Well.  Right _now_ there’s eleven more, or, twelve if you count the... extra one.  But when I'm from...”

“Ooh, Milly!” Nardole chimed in.  “Naughty.  Shouldn’t be telling us about that.  Well go on, then, what’s the next one like?”

 “Hmm,” Milly said.  “Overexcitable, reckless, brilliant, _complete_ idiot, total softy and doesn’t think anyone knows it.”

“Oh, well,” Nardole scoffed in disappointment.  “I don’t see what all the fuss is about.  Nothing changes!”

 _“And_  still collects Earth girls.”

“Sorry?” Bill laughed.

“Couldn’t have phrased that any better, could you?” the Doctor groaned, dragging a hand over his face.

“It’s mostly by accident at this point.  They follow him round like ducklings.  It’s the dad vibes.”

Bill and Nardole giggled and the Doctor huffed in embarrassment.  Had she been talking to Missy or what?

Shit, maybe she had?

With Milly here, it really all seemed so tantalisingly close.  The future where they were all together as a family.  River and their girls and, well... who knew who else? 

___

“You going to talk to me?” he asked, seated against the vault door again.  “Or you just going to keep sulking?”

Milly was asleep in her room in the TARDIS once again, and it warmed his hearts to know it.

“I’ve got all night.  And I’m in a dreadfully good mood, actually, so I might just sit here chatting at you anyway.  You don’t mind, do you?  Let’s see.  I had this spinach and feta pie with pine nuts and chickpeas and sundried tomatoes—”

“Oh, for god’s sake, will you shut up about your bloody lunch?” Missy snapped exasperatedly through the speaker.

The Doctor grinned.

“Don’t worry, I brought you one.”

___

The next morning, he found Milly in the kitchen, putting the kettle on.  He sat at the worktop and listened as she prepared the tea.  God, but he’d missed this. 

Still, three teacups.  It was River’s missing now. 

“Hey, can I use the TARDIS phone?” she asked as she slid the sugar bowl over to him.  “I need to call somebody.”

“Who?” the Doctor asked, emptying the majority of the bowl’s contents into his cup.

“Er, you, actually.  You told me to give you a ring back on Darillium.”

“Oh.   _Oh!_ That.”  

He remembered that phonecall; he was on it.  It was not long after he’d found out about the Council being after Mils, not long after causing that idiotic fight with River.  Bloody ignored her for two weeks, his head was so far up his arse.  _Two weeks_ of their twenty-four years, he spent being a total prick! 

And now he didn’t even see her in his dreams anymore.  What he would do with that time… 

He remembered sounding quite cross with himself on that call. 

“Right, why don’t we ring me right now?” he said, rising with his teacup.

 

 

 


End file.
